Download E-books You'll Never Blue Ball in This Town Again: One Woman's Painfully Funny Quest to Give It Up PDF

By Heather McDonald

New York Times bestselling writer, comic, and Chelsea Lately author Heather McDonald’s hilarious actual tale of discovering herself within the concern of being an unwilling virgin on the age of twenty-seven.

Can’t a woman costume like a hooker, dance like a stripper, and kiss like a porn superstar and nonetheless be a nineteen-year-old virgin?

You’ll by no means Blue Ball during this city back is the laugh-out-loud tale of a pretty l. a. girl who discovered herself within the situation of being an unwilling virgin. As an actress, author, and stand-up comedienne, Heather McDonald handed up plentiful possibilities to have her V-card revoked via good-looking, wealthy, and infrequently even fabulously well-known males, yet she couldn't convey herself to do “it” till good after her acquaintances have been deflowered.

As Chelsea Handler so lovingly places it, “Thank God Heather waited twenty-seven years to lose her virginity or she wouldn’t have any fabric for this book.” even if in a backseat, a group pool, or a activities stadium, with a frat boy, a physician, or an A-list famous person, Heather McDonald knew tips to flip these boys blue. in contrast to “putting out,” blue balling would possibly not have paid her lease or landed her loose journeys to Hawaii, however it did offer her with hilarious tales and adventures in her look for actual love—and, finally, her personal satisfied finishing. Now, Heather McDonald won't ever blue ball during this city back.

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You want to decide upon one social gathering at the Fourth of July, particularly if one is on the seashore and one is within the Hollywood Hills. With site visitors it could possibly take hours, and not anything is extra miserable than seeing fireworks burst off while you’re nonetheless en direction, attempting to poke your head from your window to determine them whereas caught at a pink mild. solid success discovering the radio station taking part in The celebrity Spangled Banner so you might sing alongside. i ultimately determined to stay with the Palisades get together. It used to be friendly, reliable beverages, childrens within the pool, yet no capability men for me until i used to be prepared to wreck up a wedding and turn into an insta-stepmother. the next day to come, i discovered out I had made a huge mistake. I selected the incorrect get together. I had made the incorrect plans once more! The Los Feliz Groundlings’ social gathering was once jam-packed with Saturday evening reside forged contributors, hip stand-up comics, and up-and-coming varieties. Shit, i used to be pissed. the former Groundlings/Saturday evening stay forged member celebration used to be at a Hollywood condo construction, and that i made out with Will Ferrell locally pool. convinced, he attempted to break out, yet I’m a very good swimmer and took first position within the breast stroke while i used to be six years previous, so I controlled to get a couple of extra kisses in. i might have by no means troubled long ago, yet he had already performed a whole season on Saturday evening reside, so he was once immediately extra beautiful. The 8 Corona lighting fixtures didn’t harm, both. Who is aware what may have occurred at this social gathering? perhaps i'll have truly met a person who can have positioned me on SNL rather than simply placing my tongue in a forged member’s mouth. Santa Barbara referred to as me throughout the week and stated his ex used to be doing higher yet that he stayed there all evening at the sofa. I didn’t recognize what to imagine. the man I’m approximately to lose my virginity to is caught in a few ailing codependent courting with a suicidal stick insect. We tried to make plans midweek, yet then he remembered he had “something. ” We made plans to move out Saturday evening. I didn’t pay attention from him on Wednesday or Thursday, so I referred to as him Friday and attempted to sound all informal. “Oh, hello, it’s Heather. desire you had an exceptional week. I’m sorry I haven’t talked to you—I’ve been soooo busy. watching for seeing you Saturday. name me. ” I didn’t pay attention from him Friday evening, both. Saturday morning, rather than expecting my date, i began to wonder whether he was once going to cancel. I wear my gentle blue cycling shorts and matching activities bra and walked right down to entire meals. I checked my voice mail from the store—nothing. whilst I got here domestic, I checked it again—nothing. I referred to as a female friend and gave her the lowdown and we attempted to decipher what it might probably suggest. because the sunlight started to set, i couldn't think I have been stood up. My mom instructed me a narrative approximately whilst she used to be stood up for a few ball in university. She obtained all dressed up and waited and waited. day after today, she observed the fellow and determined to behave like not anything had occurred. “Why didn’t you assert, ‘Hey asshole, I bought a costume and did my hair and also you didn’t appear. What occurred?

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